8 - [Action]

[snikting]

[Logan makes it home from his mission and you know what? He's dead all over. Exhausted and worn out. He threw himself into the jungle, fought alone, and by all rights should be dead. He may have died more than once, when a Shifter removed his powers and he took some deadly wounds. But then backup would show up, kill the Shifter, and Logan came back to life. Rinse and repeat.

Other people died. He tried to save them, but he was just one man and there was too many of them. So they had to withdraw. And when it was time to go home, he signed up for 'just a few more days'. Even when they told him he had maxed out the points he could earn for the month, he still stayed in there.

Up until today, when the squad packed it all up and he was told he had to go back. As much as Logan would have liked to stay out there indefinitely, he was still a test subject first. Guinea pigs had to go back into their cage eventually.

So now he was back. Where his fake family was. With his fake life. Oh, sure, those memories had become less and less clear. But they were still there and he did not relish seeing any of his 'family'. Which is why he didn't go home. He went to the bar for drinks, sure. He visited the Item Shop to drop in on Rogue on the pretense of looking for his old junk. He played some pool by himself, but he only made it halfway through a game before the kid playing video games annoyed him to the point of leaving.

And then he went back to the bar again. To drink and drink and drink and drink. Chances are, he was going to wake up behind the bar after passing out there. But he certainly wasn't going home to his loving wife. Because that wasn't real and he wouldn't be able to stop himself from acting like it was.]

Comments

[snikting]

He had to look up to see her in the eye. Same as it always was. But he didn't step forward. He wouldn't let himself.

"No, cuz this ain't the part of me that wants to tear people apart. Least of all, you. No, I see you, an' all I wanna do is go back to the way things were in that big mess. Pin you against that wall an' do the kind of indecent things that married folk don't talk about. Cuz all of that is still up in my head, whether I want it there or not."

[calmbeforethe]

In the end, what he says does scare her. But not in the way she'd thought. Ororo was still for a few moments, surprised by his admission.

"Do you think that it hasn't been the same for me?" She said, finally, holding her arms to herself almost protectively. "Just being alone in this room with you is difficult. It's been three weeks, Logan. But what I feel for you has been slow to change."

[snikting]

He let out a low sigh. "I can't figure out how I feel for ya, 'Ro. I look back at us, before this latest mess, an' I can't figure out if I already loved ya or if the Sparties just addled my brain."

[calmbeforethe]

The instinct to step forward, to lay a hand on his arm when he sighed, was so strong that Ororo had to fight to keep herself still. She knew better than to touch him at this point, when they'd both just admitted that they did not know what to make of what they felt for each other.

She was silent for a long moment, thinking of what to say and trying to find the courage to say it.

"... Truth be told, Logan, I think I did have feelings for you even before this 'latest mess,'" She paused to glance away, something she almost never did when she was talking to him. "But I do not know just how much of what I feel now is mine."

[snikting]

Somewhere, in his memory, that seemed right. It had the taste of truth to it. But it was so muddled with everything else, he couldn't tell if that was real or simply his imagination. It was enough to make him walk away, to the opposite wall. A moment later, his fist went through it.

"Hell, it could be the same for me. I can't tell. I thought I could stay away and it'd go away. It always had before. But it's stuck up in there. I can't shake it."

[calmbeforethe]

They were talking in circles, and it was beginning to frustrate her. She meant to point that out, that they weren't exactly getting anywhere, when something sticks out to her in what he says last.

"- 'Before'? You'd felt this, something similar to this, before now?"

[snikting]

Logan pulled his fist out of the wall and watched as the wound sealed itself, even as his fist remained dirty and bloody.

"... maybe. I can't be sure of what I feel."

[calmbeforethe]

It was the sight of his blood that did it. Ororo was pulling out a handkerchief and stepping forward in a second, meaning to take his hand in hers so she could wipe it clean. She reached out - but realized what she was doing, and looked up at him instead.

"-- May I?"

After all, it was only complicated if they wanted it to be.

[snikting]

He didn't pull his hand away, but he didn't make any motion inviting her to continue.

"It's done bleeding already."

[calmbeforethe]

"I know." She took her chances anyway, calling forth a small raincloud to get her handkerchief wet. She held his hand gently and began to wipe the blood and splinters away.

"... I'm not asking for anything, Logan." She said, voice quiet. "Except maybe a little honesty. But nothing more than that." She wasn't sure if they could have more than that, anyway.

[snikting]

Ororo knew what lay inside those wrists. Anyone who could handle his hands, knowing that any seconds claws could shoot out and rip her fingers apart, was certainly brave. Stupid, maybe. Or in Ororo's case, someone who trusted him implicitly. Even when he didn't deserve it. That fact humbled him and made him feel more foolish than he already was.

"Sorry."

[calmbeforethe]

She looked up at him, a little surprised at his apology. There wasn't much to clean, so she was already finished with his hand. But she had yet to let go.

"... It's alright." Was it? Maybe. But she continued anyway. "Just - if you can help it, we would appreciate it if you do not do it again. One way or another we've come to depend on you, Logan. You must be here."

[snikting]

"I don't know how to be that person, 'Ro. I ain't that family man I was made out to be. The X-Men? That's the longest I ever stuck around anywhere. But I had Chuck to keep me balanced. I've got none of that, here."

There was no stability. No greater cause or purpose. It was just straight up survival and his instincts always told him when it came down to survival, he was better on his own.

[calmbeforethe]

"Perhaps that man wasn't you, but Logan. Even without Charles here, you can't expect me to believe that the rest of the X-Men do not mean anything to you? I've seen the way you are with Kitty, Kurt, Rogue..."

She purposefully neglects to mention herself.

"And you mean the world to them, even if you aren't that man." Could he see what she was getting at here?

[snikting]

"I'd die to protect any one of 'em. But that's all I know how to do. It's not like I've done 'em much good here. Kitty was paranoid about the end of the world an' all I did was make it worse. Kurt's still relyin' on that watch of his, even though I heard he'd abandoned it before he came back. As for Rogue... hell, she's off dating someone worse'n Magneto. I ain't been any help to the lot of them."

He wasn't a leader. Nowhere had that become more obvious than Luceti. He worked best as Xavier's hound. Someone that could do the tasks given to him. He was the best at what he did, sure. But what he did wasn't much.

[calmbeforethe]

"By that logic, I am as much of a failure as you are, then. Yes?" Which, she supposed, wasn't too far off from the truth. If he was at fault, then so was she. They both hadn't done as much as they should have for any of them. She shook her head. "I have not been much help to them either. But the funny thing is, you've always had more of a connection with any of them, Logan. You have always had an easier time of reaching them than I or anyone else could. Kitty adores you, Kurt looks up to you and your strength, and Rogue..." she trails off, wondering where she could even start with her. "... We can't do anything about her decisions, Logan. You told me once that they were her mistakes to make. But even then, she trusts you enough to open up to you, and so few others."

She paused, briefly tightening her hand where it lay over his knuckles. "You've been a great help to them, Logan. Do not tell yourself otherwise."

[snikting]

"Kurt's still tryin', ya know. Made sure to talk to me. Welcome me back." The kid had a heart bigger than any other he'd seen. But then, the kid had tried to welcome Mystique into his heart. If he could do that, then he could certainly make room for Logan's mistakes. "... not sure about Rogue, though. Each time I leave, it just seems to get worse fer her. But when I'm here, I don't know what to do ta make it better."

Just be here, he supposes.

[calmbeforethe]

"To be honest, neither do I." Finally she let her hand fall away from his, in favor of crossing her arms instead. "She was having some problems, the other day. With her psyches." She sighed heavily, distressed. She hadn't known what to do then, either.

"She says she's doing better now, but it was a little out of my expertise. ... Times like these make me miss having Charles with us." He'd always been the one who knew how to help Rogue.

But the Professor was at home, and as far as Ororo knew, he was gone. And so was she.

[snikting]

"Seems he ain't likely to come." He'd selfishly hoped the Professor would show. Get this ship running right again. Let Logan focus on what he was best at. But it hadn't happened. It wasn't going to happen.

"So I guess it was Loki that got her sorted out."

[calmbeforethe]

"... Much as I hate to admit it, yes." She was still the farthest thing from comfortable with the idea of them together, but at this point denying how much help Loki had proven to be for Rogue and her powers was just going to make them look foolish.

[snikting]

We're losing her.

He let out a sigh. "I'm gonna try, 'Ro. Less missions, more being here. I ain't gonna swear 'em off completely. We need to be out there, knowin' what's going on. But I figure maybe I can leave it up to you an' the others to go sightseein' when I ain't."

[calmbeforethe]

"Of course," she was quick to answer, nodding in earnest. Ororo was not keen on going out there, where the war was far more apparent than it was here in their little village. But she would. "We are a team, Logan. But we are also a family. And that means supporting each other in all the ways that count."

[snikting]

He nodded. All of that was true. And as important as looking after the young team members was, other things weighed heavier on his mind.

"... but as for you'n me. I'm gonna need some time, 'Ro. Time to figure out what exactly we ever are to each other now."

[calmbeforethe]

"... Yes, of course." She'd expected as much from him; after all, it was the smart thing to do. A rebellious part of her heart felt like it was breaking, but she buried those feelings as she usually did and simply nodded. "I think we both could use some time to think it over."

[snikting]

He had a quiet moment, before he replied. "Maybe I ought to find somewhere else to bunk down fer awhile."